Advice

Dodi had a problem. He went to Didi, his work mate, to discuss the solution.
Dodi : " I am so confused right now. I must decide whether I choose Rina or Hana. You know, Rina is         prettier, but Hana is richer."
Didi : " Don't be confused! It's simple problem. Just choose Rina. She is more pretty and more smart than     Hana, isn't she?"
Dodi : " Hmmm....I think I agree with you. Thanks Didi for your advice."
Didi : " You are welcome. But.....by the way, can you tell me Hana's address?"
Dodi : ????? What for?

Sleeping Pills

The doctor advised the patient's wife, "Your husband should have a rest. I'm going to prescribe these sleeping pills."
     "Thank you, Doctor," thanked the wife. "When should I give them to him?"
     "Oh, no!" replied the doctor. "I don't want you to give them to him. I want you to take them yourself so that you will fall asleep, stop talking, and leave your husband undisturbed."

Questions Answered yet

To foster a love of animals from an early age, an elementary school invited a veterinarian to give a lecture about the importance of animals for human life.

At the end of the event held a discussion and question and answer session with the participants, mostly students of class 1, 2 and 3. When the event ended, at the doctor still left some questions that had yet to be answered, namely:
1. How do I inject an ant?
2. If a lion cub is sick , can be brought to the pediatrician?
3. If the giraffes and elephants mating, his son like?

A Crazy Doctor

One day, a doctor of mental hospital saw one of his patients watering a bar of iron.

Seeing this, the doctor just smiled.

A month later, the doctor noticed that the patient still watered the iron. It seemed to the doctor that the patient had treated the iron like a plant. The patient also seemed to love his plant a lot. Therefore, the doctor approached the patient to ask him about the plant.

“How is your plant?” asked the doctor friendly. “Is it growing well?”

The patient gave a weird look to the doctor. Then, he replied, “Are you crazy or what , Doctor? This is not a plant. It is just a bar of iron.”

Dinner for Two

Philip is a bachelor. He lives in small flat in Liverpool.

Philip not only enjoys eating food, he enjoys preparing it as well.

His favorite hobby is cooking. He has had so much practice , that he has become an  expert  cook.

His sister, Anne, called on him last Sunday evening. I was nearly dinner-time and Philip was in the kitchen. He was wearing an apron and preparing  a meal.

“You will stay to dinner, of course,” Philip said.

“I am starving !” Anne said. “Is there enough food for both of us?”

“I hope so,” Philip answered.

Anne lifted the lid of the saucepan.”hm..,” she said. It smells delicious. What is it?”

“It’s a Mexician dish,” Philip said, “Very special.”

“You will be a good husband to some lucky women,” Anne remarked.

“I don’t know about that, “Philip answered. “But this dish ought to be good. I’ve been preparing it for five hours.”

“There’s  enough food here for ten people!”Anne said as she looked into the saucepan.

“Are you expecting company?”

“No, “Philip replied, “ I was going to eat it all myself.”

Tramp and Dog

Two tramps were walking along a quiet road. A sorry- looking dow was following them. “We’ve had a bad day,Joe, the first tramp said, “ We haven’t any money and we can’t get anything to eat.” “We’ll find something ,” the second tramp answered cheerfully. Suddenly, the tramps saw a car in the distance. It was coming towards them very quickly. Both the tramps moved to one side but the dog stayed in the middle of the road. The driver tried to stop the car, but it was too late. The car hit the dog and killed it. The driver got out of the car and went towards the first tramp. “Poor little dog,” the tramp said sadly. “I am terribly sorry”, the driver said. “I tried to avoid your dog but I couldn’t.” He took out his wallet and give fifty thousand rupiah to the tramp. “Will that be all right?” the driver asked. “Yes, sir, thank you, sir”, the tramp said. The driver got into his car and drove away. “Poor little dog”, the first tramp said and put the money into his pocked. “Whose the dog was it?” the second tramp asked.

A Day's Shooting

My uncle is a keen sportsman. He often goes shooting during the week-end and usually comes home with a bag full of birds. Last Sunday evening he came home earlier than usual.
He didn’t say anything when he came in. he threw his bag on the table and sat by the fire.
He looked tired and cross.
“Didn’t you have a good day, dear?” his wife asked.
“What do you think?” he answered crossly and pointed at the bag.
“Look at this bag! There is only one bird in it and it cost me a lot of money!”
“Weren’t there any birds?” my aunt asked kindly.
“Hundreds of them!” my uncle said, “but I spent the day arguing with a farmer.”
“What happened, dear?” she asked.
“I shot my first bird at five o’clock this morning. Soon afterwards I aimed at another one and fired. But I don’t know what happened. I think I slipped because I didn’t shoot the bird. I hit a cow and killed it. The farmer who owned it got very annoyed with me. I argued with him for hours and in the end I had to pay him £50!”
“Oooh my god, what is a terrible!” my aunt startled.

Esay to Drive

A crowd of people were standing in the street. They were looking at a new car.
The car was outside a showroom. It was a new model and many people wanted to see it.
A salesman noticed the crowd and came into the street.
“ It’s a beautiful model, isn’t it?” the salesman said.
“ It certainly is,” a man agreed, Is it automatic?”
“ Oh yes,” the salesman answered proudly. “ There aren’t any gears in this car. You press your foot down and drive away. It’s very easy to drive. Even a woman can drive it without difficulty.”
“ I didn’t like that remark,” a woman said.
“ I’m sorry, madam, “ the salesman answered. “ I didn’t notice you. Anyway, I was only joking.”
“ Give us a demonstration,” the woman said. Drive a few yards.”
The salesman smiled with pleasure. He got into the car and started the engine.
Then he press a button and the car suddenly went backwards.
There was a loud crash and the car went through the window of showroom.

Help!

I am standing at the Royal Hotel.
This morning I walked past a room on the first floor.
Suddenly, I heard a woman’s voice.
“Help!” the woman shouted.
Then I heard a man’s voice.
“Don’t move or I will shoot you!” the woman shouted angrily.
“Please don’t shoot me,” the woman cried.
The man laughed. Then I heard a shot.
I knocked at the door loudly.
“Come in,” the woman said softly.
I rushed into the room.
“What’s the matter?” I asked the woman. “Can I help you?”
“Who are you?’ the woman asked angrily.
“I heard a shot,” I said. Are you all right?”
The woman laughed. “Of course I’m all right.
She turned to the man.
“Put your gun in your pocked,” she said.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“We are not quarreling,” the man said. We are actors. We are learning our parts.”

Misunderstanding

One day Mr. Indra visited the house of his working friend in a village.
To welcome Mr Indra, Mrs. Dirja presented a cup of tea and snacks. While Mrs. Dirja’s servant was busy preparing something in the kitchen.
Bu Dirja : "Inem, come here!"
Inem : "Yes madam, what is there that need be helped."
Bu Dirja : "Yes. Try to step back and catch chicken in cage."
Inem : "Okay, Madam."
Mr. Indr : "Do not bother Mrs Dirja, just drink it alone."
Bu Dirja : "Chicken is not to be cooked Pak Indra, but I told her catch it for sale on the market."
Mr. Indra :??

The Wrong Parachute

There were three passengers in a plane. They were a businessman, a student, and old man.
Suddenly the pilot informed them, "In a few seconds the plane will crash.
Unfortunately, we only have three parachutes. Since I have to report the accident to the base,
I will take one." Then the pilot jumped out of the plane.
"I also need a parachute because I'm a big shareholder who can control the economic development," the businessman said an grabbed another parachute.
"Come on, boy, you need this parachute," said the old man, looking at the student's face deeply.
"I have been in this world for so long. I have known about bitter and sweet experiences in this world. So save yourself." Then, he handed the student the last parachute.
"Don't worry, Sir. That parachute is for you," the student replied happily. "I already have my parachute. The one that the businessman took was rucksack."

More, Please

In a restaurant, a beggar approached a wealthy woman who was having dinner with her husband.
Beggar : Excuse me, Madam. I haven't eaten since this morning.
Hearing that, the woman whispered in her heart, "It is a pity."
She gave the beggar 1000 rupiahs.
Beggar: It is not enough, Madam.
Woman : How come?
Beggar : With this amount of money. I can't buy my favourite food - fried chicken

A Love Test

Betty was a very beautiful girl. Many boys were in love with her, yet no one succeeded in winning her heart.
One day, a boy who was in love with Betty had a conversation with her.
"Betty, will you be my girlfriend?" asked the boy.
"Well, will you do everything for me if you become my boyfriend?" Betty questioned back.
"No, of course not!" replied the boy confidently.
"Well, I'll be your girlfriend, then," said Betty unexpectedly. "I've only got an honest answer from you."

Through the Wall

"What do you think about the performance?" a boy asked his friend on their way home from a magic-show.
"Not so fantastic, especially the performance of walking through the wall," replied the other boy.
"I walk through the wall every day without any difficult."
"Really?" his friend said surprise. "How?"
"I just walk through the door."

Help

In the small village live a grandmother with her married grandchild and two lover animals.
One day in the evening day, grandmother went to a midwife's house hurriedly.
After she arrived there and facing with midwife herself. With nervous grandmother said, "I am sorry, please help me. With smiled midwife said, "Pardon me, can help you madam?"
"All right. Please come to my house right now." Without thinking twice, they left together quickly.
After they arrived at that house, the midwife asked, "Who will give birth, madam?" Without answered midwife's question, grandmother invited her to one of the room, than said, "My lover dog get difficult in giving birth, please help it."
With nervous and face pale midwife said, " I am sorry madam, I don't help it. I think your grandchild who give birth."
Grandmother looked disappointed.

Please don't sue me!

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
" Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
"Um, no,"said the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer and an apology.
" Or that my sister's husband died in accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising in indignation "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea."
"So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to them, why would I give money to you?'

Punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.
"What a rip-off, " the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Minta - Minta

Seorang ibu yang sedang pulang dari belanja bertanya kepada anaknya yang masih balita yang tengah bermain ular tangga dengan temannya.
"Dino, apakah selama Ibu belanja ada orang yang datang ke sini."
"Ada Bu, itu...tuh, katanya namanya Pak RT mau minta sumbangan untuk memperbaiki jalan kampung. tapi sudah Dino kasih kok Bu."
"Berapa kamu kasih?"
"Dino kasih Rp 500,- kemarin Ibu kan pernah bilang kalau ada orang minta - minta suruh kasih Rp 500,-"
Sang Ibu merah mukanya dan mengernyitkan dahi.

Happy Call

A guy phones a law firm and says, " I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones to the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"